“I see a vision of me, an older version of me. Is she perverted like me? Will she go down on you in the theater? Does she speak eloquently? And will she have your baby? I think she’d make a really excellent mother.”
-Alanis Morrisette “You oughta know”
The problem: So many of us are doing things now which are going to end up screwing us later. Think you’re the exception? I dare you to see how long you can revel in that delusion before it’s revealed otherwise once you read further. Oh and if you are a rare exception of a human being that’s doing it all right, pretty please shoot me an email and let me know how you manage at imtstyles@gmail.com
Here are seven sitches where your current actions could cause your future to implode and (because I’m cool like that) ways to cope, take control and be a better you.
1. You‘re worried about the way things “could“ have been.
I’ve been out of high school for (gasp) eight years. The original plan was to go straight to college, followed by law school where I’d meet “the one” and we’d fall in love. According to that fantasy I’m supposed to be in my second year of working as an actual lawyer right about now and me Mr. Right should be planning a wedding. The reality is that college never happened, I’d have been woefully unhappy getting dressed like a grown up for work everyday and I’ve come to a point in my life where I realize I may not be the marrying kind at all. While somewhere my seventeen year old self is probably weeping quietly, my thirteen year old self is most definitely doing a little happy dance for not getting sucked into something that would have ultimately left me feeling souless.
Don’t twist my meaning, I’m in no way saying that you shouldn’t have dreams but the problem comes in when you become a slave to your highly detailed life plans and get so caught up worrying about where you should be but you fail to focus on where you are. Ok so you’re not a doctor or the head of a major television station but maybe you’re a kick ass indie actress or you’ve found something you’re truly passionate about and made a life you’re proud of. Trust me we all have those moments where we wish we could go back, but we can’t so don’t make yourself crazy about the life you could have had if only…
2. You let your green eyed monster out to play a little too often.
We all have moments of envy, times when we cut our eyes coveting a pair of shoes or some other trinket. Those incidents don’t make us a bad, they make us human. Show of hands: how many times have you secretly wanted something someone else hand? No cheating. Any money bet 90% of you raised your hands (and shame on the other 10% for being spoil sports).
Wanting things isn’t the issue, in fact sometimes that very desire is what spurs us on to work those extra hours when what we’d really like to be doing is sitting somewhere sunny downing mojitos or making voodoo dolls of our co-workers. So I’m not saying to let go of desire but if you don’t stop going all hulk (get it because the hulk is green) about the latest so called must haves you’re going to turn into some miserable and bitter ball of a person that no one wants to be around.
3. You’re angry face is your face of choice.
True story: I was handling fashion show, magazine ish ect. and I kid you not I got to a point where I screamed-literally. And I don’t mean some meek eek like little miss Muffet when she saw that spider (sidebar what exactly are curds and whey?) but I mean a primal scream, something guttural and raw which left my vocal chords feeling like I swallowed glass. I’m pretty sure at that point I was a rather lovely shade of red and I know for a fact that had I been a cartoon character steam would have been seeping from my ears. I digress. Now for me that’s a pretty rare act, I know however that for other people seeing “mean red” is about as common as seeing their feet and that my darlings is dangerous.
Being angry all the time isn’t healthy and while expressing it does release the body destroying toxins that it creates it also makes you zero fun to be around. As someone who has anger misdirected their way I speak from experience when I say that eventually your friends will steer clear of you. So learn to chant mantras or find an anger management meeting and stop being such a big meanie.
4. You’re a major wuss.
We all have that friend that we can ask for anything, the one we can call at 4am, the one who’ll give us half if not all of their last, the one who sends us random cards…wait, you don’t have that friend? Hello it means you’re probably the doormat that everyone else probably walks all over (you’re in good company as yours truly is a Mary Sunshine type).
I know you want to be a good friend and I’m not faulting you for that but there’s a fine line between being supportive and being suckered. It’s ok to say no, to be unavailable and to not be everyone’s personal cheerleader. There comes a point where you have to stand up for yourself or you’re going to constantly find yourself falling into other people’s messes and being expected to clean everything up. You don’t have to answer every IM or text and chances are you know which of your buds is melodramatic enough to have a shelf full of Oscars and which ones are only around when they need things (be honest about these things). Repeat after me: It’s ok to say no!
5. You have no clue who you really are.
A good friend of mine once told me that what I do seems to contrast with who I am. He’s right. There are definite differences between the two and that’s exactly how I like it. Rather then some strange schism that’s forced, what I have is a dichotomy specifically created to accommodate everything. I know for the most part who I am and I’m at a place where I’m comfortable in my skin. Can you say the same? I know this amazing woman: smart and beautiful and cool as hell and she can’t see it. Are you sensing something similar?
If you don’t know who you are, if you can’t define what makes you divalicious then you’ll fall for any old b.s. that someone tries to pass off as a definition of you. Bad. No one else should be able to tell you who you are or what you want or need and if you’re allowing that mess then please (pretty please) stop right now. Now’s the time to learn who you are, what you like, what you dislike and what you’re capable of. If you figure out the person in the mirror then making the rest of your life work becomes a little easier.
6. You haven’t yet realized that your mate is your fate.
One of my uncles once told me “your mate is your fate”. At the time he said that I wasn’t 100% sure what that meant but I’ve had many moons to ponder and here’s what I’ve come up with: the person you choose to be with is going to in some way, shape or form play a part in your future. Seems simple enough and makes a lot of sense…or at least it should. I know a woman (I know a lot of people) who has a habit of dating guys who are content living a certain sort of lifestyle and she doesn’t seem to realize that the more involved she gets with them the more crazy her own life gets.
Girls (and guys) the person your with plays a big role in your reality. If you date shady, covert individuals be prepped to play on their terms, the same goes for if you’re dating someone more upstanding. If there are certain things you’re not comfortable with, whether it’s large dinner parties or driving through certain neighborhoods then take a long hard look at the person you’re choosing to be with as choosing incorrectly could leave you with something worse than a broken heart.
7. You lack a true north.
I’m into a lot of different things and I’m ok with being a “Jack (Jill?) of all (ok not all but quite a few) trades”. It’s helpful to be able to do some light sewing, some semi heavy lifting and a little of a lot of other things. My hand may be in quite a few pots but my passion is all about creation whether it’s writing or reconstructing or redecorating, I love being able to build something up.
What’s your motivator, your driving force? If you struggle too much with that answer you may end up stuck at some point later on without the options to make moves toward something better. I’m in no way saying your life needs to be all mapped out now but you do need to know what it is you love and in what areas your interest is lacking.
So what are you waiting for? Get to figuring these things out and then get on with your life.
Love,
Charli