True story: When I was about eighteen I was out one night with some friends of mine and it was about one or two in the morning when we stopped for coffee and to plan the next phase of the night. Two of us, myself and the only other girl ended up in this seedy little bodega. Long story short some guy comes in there ranting and raving and starts (I think) to hit on my friend. About five minutes in (who knew it took water so long to boil?) his arm is around me and completely unwelcome. I use my forceful voice (the way every self defense course teaches) but he doesn’t back off at least not immediately and when he does it’s to tell me how I’m nothing and how he could have me raped and a whole host of other things I’ve since blocked out and in some cases I’m self censoring as a matter of not being too graphic. My point: this was one of those rare occasions when there was no mask, when the person trying to get my attention showed me instantly the truth of their character. Never mind that he might have been a boy scout or could have a had a rough life, in just a few short and scary moments I learned that he was dangerous; he had a quick temper and no problem directing his venom at whomever he saw fit. That night left some wounds that are still healing (i.e. I never feel completely safe out at night when I'm alone or with just another female) but I do realize how lucky I am that the situation wasn’t much worse.
There was a time when answering or placing a personal ad or finding a hookup online was considered the last resort of the desperate, ugly or financially unattractive. But sites like e-harmony and even Craigslist prove that even if love connections aren’t being made, people are more willing to look. With that willingness though there comes a danger because you never know who’s on the other side of that computer screen. Sometimes you find out things you didn’t want to know, like the fact that your parents are swingers or that your husband is looking for a little m4m action on the side (both two posts featured on the “Best of Craigslist”). Sometimes you make a new friend but nothing more and other times it’s just about something sweaty and anonymous and hopefully safe.
But sometimes it turns tragic. Every so often you’ll see a news story about some naïve woman lured to a motel or something along those lines and every time I have the same thought: this was preventable in some way.
It’s an unavoidably digital age: emails, voicemails, text messaging oh my and with that comes a new category of relationship and a new style of intimacy, one that’s alluring for the very same reason it’s such a danger: it’s anonymous and in that vein it can be anything you want it to be and everything you never expected. Behind a keyboard a bored housewife and mother of four who hasn’t had a moment to herself in months becomes a sexy Milf and that slightly overweight guy at the gym who’d never have the courage to approach you becomes suave all while you swoon simply because without seeing him you’re forced to really take in what he says (mini lesson: sometimes if you look past the exterior you’ll see that what’s inside is everything you ever desired in a mate and maybe more). Unfortunately though it isn’t always harmless fun and sociopaths and serial killers have internet access too.
Another true story: I spent a night in terror because of some asshole who kept repeatedly calling me (for future reference I know now I should have found the number to my phone company or called the cops or activated anonymous call tracing but fear really is paralyzing). The caller on the other end seemed to know just enough about me to make we really scared (to the point that I’m shaking as I type this) and after hours he finally fessed up: it was an online associate, someone I started talking to through someone else and who hadn’t called in months; he was bored and this was his idea of fun. Again I realize how lucky I am that it wasn’t much worse.
I also realize that I’m generally an amazing judge of character but in this instance I was wrong and I could have paid a much higher price than a few sleepless nights or getting all jittery whenever the phone rings at an odd hour.
The lesson: exercise both caution and common sense. If you’re not sure what I mean just think about what you’d tell a five year old (or what you were told when you were five): Don’t go off with people you don’t know. Use the buddy system whenever possible. Don’t hand out your phone number to just anyone (or lend strangers your cell because I kid you not that’s how my sister ended up with a stalker, she was trying to be a good Samaritan and the guy ended up copying her number off his caller i.d. box and using it to harass her). Plus always let someone know where you’re going, who you’re going with (give a description) and how long you should be gone so that if need be they can do “stranger danger” maneuvers to help protect you in the long run, like the fact that you can dial 911 for another state by dialing the area code first. It's better to be a little paranoid and have your best friend copy down a license plate number than to be a lot dead because you ended up stuffed in the trunk of some car.